Married Guys - Guidance Wanted

[mcnulty22]

Hello!

I think I know the answer here, but I'm curious if many married guys have been able to maintain any discipline with seeing providers? I have a few friends who have gone a bit overboard, and have read a fair number of "warning" posts in here. For someone looking to "only dabble" - is that realistic? Would love to hear people's experiences/advice.

Cheers

(I think this is the right area for a general question?)

 

[xmontrealer]

It is an addictive hobby, and like most addictions the urge to indulge only increases over time.

That was the case with me both while I was married and after my divorce. Being married had nothing to do with my addiction and increased frequency of hobbying.

Mine has only started to decrease over the past year or so due to being really old...

 

[tier3]

Dabbler is under my profile name because it is possible to dabble..

But I am single so take that with a grain of salt.

 

[Butler1000]

Just don't be stupid about it. First always take care of all your shit at home. Second don't make sudden drastic grooming changes. Next don't make sudden drastic schedule changes. Slowly line up your free time excuses for a few hours. Learn to turn off geo location. Clear search histories. Burner phone(put together a car emergency kit in a small storage tub for the trunk. Battery charger, water, first aid kit, snack, warming items etc) and include a pay as you go phone. That is your hobby phone.

Next is to realize not every hobby time will work out. Cancelations will occur, plans will have to change to accommodate your family. Prioritize things so the hobby is always the second choice.

Yes it's a rush of dopamine. But be an adult about it. Keep that separation at the forefront. Doing that can help prevent losing control. By taking control of all aspects and treating it as the relationship dangerous activity it is.

Set a budget, stick to it.

Good luck.

 

[Ahri]

Just don't be stupid about it. First always take care of all your shit at home. Second don't make sudden drastic grooming changes. Next don't make sudden drastic schedule changes. Slowly line up your free time excuses for a few hours. Learn to turn off geo location. Clear search histories. Burner phone(put together a car emergency kit in a small storage tub for the trunk. Battery charger, water, first aid kit, snack, warming items etc) and include a pay as you go phone. That is your hobby phone.

Next is to realize not every hobby time will work out. Cancelations will occur, plans will have to change to accommodate your family. Prioritize things so the hobby is always the second choice.

Yes it's a rush of dopamine. But be an adult about it. Keep that separation at the forefront. Doing that can help prevent losing control. By taking control of all aspects and treating it as the relationship dangerous activity it is.

Set a budget, stick to it.

Good luck.

This is actually very good advice! I can’t emphasize enough on sticking with a budget the last thing you want is your partner asking you where the missing money went.

I have a client of mine who would always go to the gym after our sessions so he gets the smell of “sex” and probably my body spray off him.

 

[mcnulty22]

This is actually very good advice! I can’t emphasize enough on sticking with a budget the last thing you want is your partner asking you where the missing money went.

I have a client of mine who would always go to the gym after our sessions so he gets the smell of “sex” and probably my body spray off him.

Haha thanks! It IS good advice - and I had my gym bag packed for that very reason. Cheers!

 

[massman]

Just don't be stupid about it. First always take care of all your shit at home. Second don't make sudden drastic grooming changes. Next don't make sudden drastic schedule changes. Slowly line up your free time excuses for a few hours. Learn to turn off geo location. Clear search histories. Burner phone(put together a car emergency kit in a small storage tub for the trunk. Battery charger, water, first aid kit, snack, warming items etc) and include a pay as you go phone. That is your hobby phone.

Next is to realize not every hobby time will work out. Cancelations will occur, plans will have to change to accommodate your family. Prioritize things so the hobby is always the second choice.

Yes it's a rush of dopamine. But be an adult about it. Keep that separation at the forefront. Doing that can help prevent losing control. By taking control of all aspects and treating it as the relationship dangerous activity it is.

Set a budget, stick to it.

Good luck.

This is all good advice. Various surveys over the years in this community have indicated that at least 50% of members here are married / attached. If you have something to lose if this is discovered, set yourself some “rules” or habits on how you participate (like the ones suggested above), and NEVER deviate from them. Decide on your risk tolerance, and stick to it.

It’s best to approach this as a fun occasional indulgence, rather than let it take the place of major aspects of your life that are missing/ unsatisfactory. This will allow you to choose to participate rather than falling into the trap of “needing” to and becoming addicted to it, and compromising your savings and financial security, and taking more risks that may lead to this being discovered. Never forget that this is just for fun, it’s a fantasy, it’s not real. Go back to real life when you walk back out of her door.

As said above, decide on a budget and stick to it. For me, I typically stick to 1 hour, 1 on 1 sessions, only rarely opting for longer or more extravagant ones (eg duos etc). My philosophy has been that even tho my income would allow me to participate in more expensive offerings, that seems a bit too extravagant to splash out on something that is purely a personal indulgence. It could also send up red flags if others review your account statements.

I pretty much only “dabble” these days, and in the past only have been slightly more prolific, always maintaining the ability to step away if needed.

 

[mcnulty22]

This is all good advice. Various surveys over the years in this community have indicated that at least 50% of members here are married / attached. If you have something to lose if this is discovered, set yourself some “rules” or habits on how you participate (like the ones suggested above), and NEVER deviate from them. Decide on your risk tolerance, and stick to it.

It’s best to approach this as a fun occasional indulgence, rather than let it take the place of major aspects of your life that are missing/ unsatisfactory. This will allow you to choose to participate rather than falling into the trap of “needing” to and becoming addicted to it, and compromising your savings and financial security, and taking more risks that may lead to this being discovered. Never forget that this is just for fun, it’s a fantasy, it’s not real. Go back to real life when you walk back out of her door.

As said above, decide on a budget and stick to it. For me, I typically stick to 1 hour, 1 on 1 sessions, only rarely opting for longer or more extravagant ones (eg duos etc). My philosophy has been that even tho my income would allow me to participate in more expensive offerings, that seems a bit too extravagant to splash out on something that is purely a personal indulgence. It could also send up red flags if others review your account statements.

I pretty much only “dabble” these days, and in the past only have been slightly more prolific, always maintaining the ability to step away if needed.

Sensible advice! A friend of mine said "if you eat chocolate every day, it's not a treat" - seems like a good approach here.

 

[mcnulty22]

Just don't be stupid about it. First always take care of all your shit at home. Second don't make sudden drastic grooming changes. Next don't make sudden drastic schedule changes. Slowly line up your free time excuses for a few hours. Learn to turn off geo location. Clear search histories. Burner phone(put together a car emergency kit in a small storage tub for the trunk. Battery charger, water, first aid kit, snack, warming items etc) and include a pay as you go phone. That is your hobby phone.

Next is to realize not every hobby time will work out. Cancelations will occur, plans will have to change to accommodate your family. Prioritize things so the hobby is always the second choice.

Yes it's a rush of dopamine. But be an adult about it. Keep that separation at the forefront. Doing that can help prevent losing control. By taking control of all aspects and treating it as the relationship dangerous activity it is.

Set a budget, stick to it.

Good luck.

Appreciate all of this. I'm solid with planning ahead. I'm glad you mentioned cancellations, as my 2pm that I made for today just cancelled. Such is life!

 

[GeeBee]

and taking more risks that may lead to this being discovered.

Lots of good advice here, and this bit is really important. Yes it is possible to dabble without getting carried away, but It’s also easy to get comfortable and let your guard down.

Don’t take stupid risks and always think with the big head and not the little one. Stick to your plan and your alibi’s.

I’d also echo the need for planning. Slowly line up hobbies and reasons to be out of the house that don’t seem inconsistent with the regular life you lead. It could raise huge red flags if anyone is paying attention.

Lastly I’d say no matter how much you’re tempted DON’T TELL ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THIS. Loose lips sink ships, and in our case fuck up marriages. It’s tempting to brag to your buddies about the hottie you banged last night, but don’t do it. That’s why TERB is here, don’t mix reality with this fantasy life.

 

[jalimon]

Sensible advice! A friend of mine said "if you eat chocolate every day, it's not a treat" - seems like a good approach here.

Nah its still a treat

Seriously being very rich my dick would look like a marinated jalapeno with all girl I would get.

But i am not rich

 

[mcnulty22]

Nah its still a treat

Seriously being very rich my dick would look like a marinated jalapeno with all girl I would get.

But i am not rich

Haha. Humbly, I am quite comfortable but would like to remain that way

 

[massman]

Lots of good advice here, and this bit is really important. Yes it is possible to dabble without getting carried away, but It’s also easy to get comfortable and let your guard down.

Don’t take stupid risks and always think with the big head and not the little one. Stick to your plan and your alibi’s.

I’d also echo the need for planning. Slowly line up hobbies and reasons to be out of the house that don’t seem inconsistent with the regular life you lead. It could raise huge red flags if anyone is paying attention.

Lastly I’d say no matter how much you’re tempted DON’T TELL ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THIS. Loose lips sink ships, and in our case fuck up marriages. It’s tempting to brag to your buddies about the hottie you banged last night, but don’t do it. That’s why TERB is here, don’t mix reality with this fantasy life.

 

[speakercontrols]

Just don't be stupid about it. First always take care of all your shit at home. Second don't make sudden drastic grooming changes. Next don't make sudden drastic schedule changes. Slowly line up your free time excuses for a few hours. Learn to turn off geo location. Clear search histories. Burner phone(put together a car emergency kit in a small storage tub for the trunk. Battery charger, water, first aid kit, snack, warming items etc) and include a pay as you go phone. That is your hobby phone.

Next is to realize not every hobby time will work out. Cancelations will occur, plans will have to change to accommodate your family. Prioritize things so the hobby is always the second choice.

Yes it's a rush of dopamine. But be an adult about it. Keep that separation at the forefront. Doing that can help prevent losing control. By taking control of all aspects and treating it as the relationship dangerous activity it is.

Set a budget, stick to it.

Good luck.

Butler covered a lot, particularly the budget. The physically separate phone is likely the best approach. Pay for it with gift cards.

• In addition, test for STIs. Consider CBJ in addition to CFS. Chlamydia and gonorrhea will show VERY quickly so you can't prevent that but there are other ones to be worried about. With incubation periods you never know. Use teletest.ca, it doesn't impact your Family Doctor so they won't kick out of of their practice.
• If your wife has access to your Lifelabs account, go to Dynacare. There might be other urine/blood labs, I don't know.
• If you use cialis/viagara, for fucks sake do not use your benefits. This will show up there. Use a difference pharmacy than your family.
• Your greatest problem is - where do you get the cash without leaving a trace? Don't use your bank account to periodically withdraw cash. I withdraw from my investment accounts, particularly the RRSP since that's harder to view the history on. The RESP is a great source as well, fuck the kids make them pay their own education. Get a cheque and cash the cheque at the bank. However, the transaction MIGHT show up. Consider opening a separate bank account with that cheque. If the wife does a credit check search, it'll show up with activity but if she's researching you to that level you're fucked anyway
• Think of every single thing that leaves a digital trace and try to eliminate it.

I think this industry would collapse if married guys didn't 'participate'.

 

[jjjj77]

I'm not sure why I see so many recommendations for burner phones. I prefer to use my actual phone, instead of finding some phone hidden somewhere, which could be difficult to explain if found. Install an app when you hobby, uninstall it when done. Yes there are a handful of agencies and escorts that demand that you call from a 'real' number which is a dumb requirement anyways because burner phone bought with a gift card can't really be traced. Any escort and agency I care about is ok with text apps.

To hide cash, have one credit card with eStatements your wifey doesn't know about. Use it to pay for things and disappearing cash can be explained that you used cash to buy those things.

 

[Roger Sterling]

Your greatest problem is - where do you get the cash without leaving a trace?

My system is good old fashioned skimming.
For example, If I take $100 from the ATM for legitimate reasons, I set $20 aside in a place that my wife would never find. My wife knows I play Proline and make sports bets with friends, so sometimes I don't play but tell her that I did and lost (but I actually pocket my "losses"). Or better yet I play and say I win $150, I tell her 'great news, I won $100!' and set the remaining $50 aside.
Within weeks I have a couple of hundred to go see someone.

 

[speakercontrols]

My system is good old fashioned skimming.
For example, If I take $100 from the ATM for legitimate reasons, I set $20 aside in a place that my wife would never find. My wife knows I play Proline and make sports bets with friends, so sometimes I don't play but tell her that I did and lost (but I actually pocket my "losses"). Or better yet I play and say I win $150, I tell her 'great news, I won $100!' and set the remaining $50 aside.
Within weeks I have a couple of hundred to go see someone.

thought of that....I'm 2x per week. Don't be me.

 

[speakercontrols]

I'm not sure why I see so many recommendations for burner phones. I prefer to use my actual phone, instead of finding some phone hidden somewhere, which could be difficult to explain if found. Install an app when you hobby, uninstall it when done. Yes there are a handful of agencies and escorts that demand that you call from a 'real' number which is a dumb requirement anyways because burner phone bought with a gift card can't really be traced. Any escort and agency I care about is ok with text apps.

To hide cash, have one credit card with eStatements your wifey doesn't know about. Use it to pay for things and disappearing cash can be explained that you used cash to buy those things.

True, however I'm avoiding processes where I have to remember to do things. A physical object is easier to remember to hide, an app, not so much. In addition with some, we have ongoing texting blah blah so constant install/de-stall is problematic.

 

[farquhar]

I think this industry would collapse if married guys didn't 'participate'.

Based on the anecdotal evidence I get from a regular of mine, plus what I see on X, this time of year is actually a bad time for the industry; as all the married guys have to spend their cashola on gifts for the wife and kids, and their free time on Holiday Family BS. Thus, they don't participate as much as they do the other 11 months of the year.

It's like Black Friday; but in reverse.

 

[Butler1000]

Butler covered a lot, particularly the budget. The physically separate phone is likely the best approach. Pay for it with gift cards.

• In addition, test for STIs. Consider CBJ in addition to CFS. Chlamydia and gonorrhea will show VERY quickly so you can't prevent that but there are other ones to be worried about. With incubation periods you never know. Use teletest.ca, it doesn't impact your Family Doctor so they won't kick out of of their practice.
• If your wife has access to your Lifelabs account, go to Dynacare. There might be other urine/blood labs, I don't know.
• If you use cialis/viagara, for fucks sake do not use your benefits. This will show up there. Use a difference pharmacy than your family.
• Your greatest problem is - where do you get the cash without leaving a trace? Don't use your bank account to periodically withdraw cash. I withdraw from my investment accounts, particularly the RRSP since that's harder to view the history on. The RESP is a great source as well, fuck the kids make them pay their own education. Get a cheque and cash the cheque at the bank. However, the transaction MIGHT show up. Consider opening a separate bank account with that cheque. If the wife does a credit check search, it'll show up with activity but if she's researching you to that level you're fucked anyway
• Think of every single thing that leaves a digital trace and try to eliminate it.

I think this industry would collapse if married guys didn't 'participate'.

Cripes I just have my own personal account. So does my wife. Same with each has a personal CC.