Sexless Marriage - Effort to Initiate?

anotherwebguy said:

First off, do not blame yourself, there sounds like nothing wrong with your drive or function.

It happens. Wives loose interest, but circumstances (financial, children, family) make a divorce a bad option. You may even still get along with your SO well enough as a companion, without the intimacy.

Some guys are lucky, and marry a unicorn - a woman whose sex drive is strong and healthy long years into a marriage. Others get stuck with a camel - a wife who can go for years without sex.

Initiating contact is a waste of time, because usually the experience if you happen to be successful is simply not worth the effort. The SO will just go through the motions to get you to stop bugging her, and her lack of interest or enthusiasm is a major boner-killer which may make you think you are become impotent!

It becomes very difficult for a guy to find a partner attractive and to function sexually , when she constantly rejects him, and is clearly not interested. It can be demeaning, frustrating, and very depressing to deal with, and can destroy a man's confidence and self-esteem, which is a tragedy. Fact is, there is probably nothing wrong with you at all.

If you can, try to get professional help with counseling, but the chances of success are varied. Getting the SO to accept there is an issue and that you have justification for being unhappy, is a difficult to impossible thing to do.

If there are kids or family pressures to stay together, then do so, for the sake of the family. go along to get along. Chances are, your SO will not see anything wrong with the sexless situation and may actually appreciate it if you do not try to initiate.

And thank your Lucky Stars every day for TERB.

Click to expand...

james t kirk said:

Or, you could be like me. You have a wife who still puts out, but she's 100 percent vanilla 100% of the time, every time and I'm bored out of my tree. It's just not enough for me. Hasn't been since I was about 28 years old.

She knew when we met that I was a kinky fucker and though I'm down with vanilla, there is a whole lot more that I NEED. She basically lied to me leading me to believe that I had opened her eyes to many different things for the first time in her life. Everything from a bit of bondage, to 3'somes, to toys, to pegging to swingers clubs to role playing. Well, soon as she had the ring, it was like a switch was tripped. One by one she shut them all down other than missionary - only. Even the tamest of shit she now tells me that "I'm not comfortable with it (your desires) and I keep feeling like you will just escalate it." I had reluctantly, (very reluctantly), given up group anything, but the tame shit, at least it was something. Just a drip of water to man dying of thirst.

The other problem is that physically, she's put on a lot of weight and her body does not turn me on at all. Fortunately for me, facially, she's still quite pretty. But naked? I avert my eyes. (Seriously.)

Safe to say that I feel majorly let down and bitter and frustrated.

I'm with a woman that I no longer find physically attractive and she refuses to indulge me in anything other than blow jobs or missionary. When she would at least indulge me is some role playing, I could get worked up and give her what she's into and get my ya ya's out at the same time. But now that she's shut everything down 100 percent other than missionary, I've lost interest in that. It's pretty much a job as far as I'm concerned.

Click to expand...

amazing age said:

I maybe know nothing about the issue as I've been in a very sexy relationship for a little more than forty years now. I think this is partly because I've never consented to a formal marriage, and have always maintained my own apartment to boot. (I think that the first mistake is signing on the dotted line: to a woman a man who agrees to do so has confirmed his second-tier status. A confident man wouldn't get married in the first place, and women know this intuitively.) But for any man in a sexless marriage, I say get out. Kids and companionship be damned. The kids belong to the woman anyway- if you don't believe me, try hanging around try hanging around a divorce court for a day. And not realizing, or not accepting this basic biological fact is a man's second mistake. So get out, say goodbye to the Ex and HER kids, and start over. And last of all, I am trying to be helpful here, so please no whining from basement-dwelling male feminists about how I am a woman hater, blah, blah blah. Women have their priorities and we have ours. So if a woman is not meeting your all-important need for sex, say goodbye and fish the pond again. You're entitled to try again for your own well-being.

Click to expand...

amazing age said:

Thank you, Mable. I'm used to getting flamed by the resident basement-dwelling Terb soy boys. I learned a lot from my old man, who divorced my mother (or she kicked him out, whomever you want to believe). He tried in vain to keep a connection with "his" kids, as the ex spent years and years vilifying him. I decided that I would never try this: I swore that if I left my partner, I would cut all ties with the the kids as well. Fortunately this never happened, my kids are grown and I am still involved in their lives and in the lives of my grandchildren. But I attribute the longevity of the relationship in large measure to the fact that my partner has always known that I would put my own needs first, if push came to shove. And I think all men should remember this basic fact: your woman might be the most important thing in your world (a very bad idea, by the way), but you are NOT the most important thing in her world, and never will be.

Click to expand...

james t kirk said:

It's been a slow sleigh ride down the hill I suppose.

Once we got married, the 3'somes / swing clubs disappeared right out of the gate.

The rest, it was like a faucet slowly being turned off. People are like elastic bands. They can never really change. Oh, you can stretch an elastic, but it puts up a fight, and sooner or later, it goes back to its original shape.

Yes, in hind site, I should have known better. But over the course of most men's lives, we have what can best be described as "a moment of weakness". It was like getting engaged. Looking back, it was "a moment of weakness" on my part. There have been others over the course of the years.

Now that said, there is more to life than sex. For the most part, my wife has her head screwed on straight. For the most part. I've dated some fucking nutbars in my life, my wife isn't even close to the shit I've experienced in the past. So that's worth something. And she does enjoy vanilla sex and there are lots of guys out there who would say that I'm fucking lucky and to stop complaining. But my problem is all vanilla all the time bores me to tears. It actually makes me sad and angry that I allowed myself to end up in this situation. I have talked to her about it, but she just gets defensive, real defensive and turns me into some sort of pervert.

But I will say this, I don't think she realizes just how depressed this situation makes me. It's funny, but when we used to go to swing clubs, I think she felt majorly insecure and obviously, she was just taking one for the team. But funnily enough, I never loved her more than I did at that time.

Click to expand...

amazing age said:

I never said I was happy with any of this. I'm just telling it like it is.

Click to expand...

Zephyr789 said:

I think to say that you would cut ties with them is kind of harsh.
Personally I feel like if anyone has this kind of mindset they shouldn’t have children.
Most people don’t realize why they want kids and often just go along with what society or their family’s expect of them.
Same goes for marriage.
Yes, women have a biological instinct to make children a priority when they give birth. But it doesn’t always mean they will neglect their partner. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Click to expand...

Zephyr789 said:

On the other end of the spectrum, there are also women in sexless marriages too.

Click to expand...

Smallcock said:

It's human nature to become comfortable when all of your basic needs are met. Women get comfortable in marriage because it gives them the home, car, and workhorse husband. Sex was the lure, the incentive, to secure this stuff prior to tying the knot but now it's not a requirement to maintain it. With kids in involved, and net worth on the line, most men will opt to live in a sexless marriage indefinitely. It's no surprise that the men in this thread who did NOT marry their partners, and do NOT live under the same roof, are still enjoying sexually active relationships with their partners.

Click to expand...

amazing age said:

Apoptygma, your comment is too silly to warrant a reply. However, I can try to stop thinking and formulating my own views for a while, if that will help you to feel better. (On the other hand, if you have any actual counter argument to what I'm saying, well, I'm all ears)

Click to expand...

amazing age said:

Well Apoptygama, your counter arguments are intelligent and warrant thought; I wish you had advanced them before you got angry. Anyway, I've had my say on this subject, and hope you have too. So I suggest we turn the discussion over to other folks. You good with that?

Click to expand...

james t kirk;6605519 It actually makes me sad and angry that I allowed myself to end up in this situation. /QUOTE said:

Exactly my point. You sound sad because you did not engineer your life better. Welcome to the crowd. I bring this up as it comes up so frequently with men; they let things go that they should stomp down on quickly, and without mercy. Otherwise we are destined to live desperate lives, sometimes with no way out. And once the issue is delayed one is hard pressed to bring it up at a later time. In short, we hurt ourselves. At least in part because we have been trained to be passive, at least when it comes to demanding our physical and emotional needs with women be met.

I hope you realize that I am not being judgmental; this is just a thorny issue for me for many reasons. My heart goes out to you.

Click to expand...