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If you are overweight should you give up looking for a relationship?

jackal2006

Member
Oct 10, 2006
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If you are overweight should you give up on love especially in big superficial cities like Toronto or New York or Los Angeles?

Can a fat guy get a woman easier than a fat women can get a man?

Just curious anyone who is or has been fat has this not impeded your dating life and if not what is your secret? Or is it all bullshit and unless you're thin and/or beautiful should just accept you will die alone ?

I get the sense in Toronto dating is very superficial. All about the money the looks and the material things. If you're a decent person who is fat or was born not conventionally good looking you might as well join a religious order cause you're fucked and not in a good way.

Thanks in advance for the input. Just curious to hear other's good, bad, and ugly experiences.

I have been on both sides thin and fat myself and I find that even though I'm the same person in a city like Toronto if you're fat you're done. You quickly become invisible. Travelling abroad I've found it's not that much of an issue. Too bad Toronto is Canada's only real city with most of the jobs otherwise I think myself and others would have left long time ago. Definitely finding civilian companionship seems harder here if you don't have the money or the looks.

Thanks in advance for reading and your input.
 

shack

Nitpicker Extraordinaire
Oct 2, 2001
46,713
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A few things.

Some women won't look at you. Some women can look past it. I am on the chubby side and did not have a lot of confidence. I started seeing strippers and then SPs after my divorce, in my 40's. I was amazed at how well so many of the ladies treated me and IMO, I got consistently high mileage. I figured that because they see so many guys that they soon learn that good looking does not necessarily mean good person and they soon learn just to judge guys by how respectful, funny, intelligent etc. they are, not their shape.

Civvy girls do not normally see as many guys and for many they have not learned how to judge a guy for what is on the inside. They see the outside. One can say it is superficial, but I think we all have some of that fault. It may be the wisdom that comes with age.

A side benefit of my positive experiences with SPs is that I gained confidence in dealing with ladies. I was more myself and took the approach that if they didn't like me, so be it. The best thing you can do is to be yourself. It takes confidence to do that (not arrogance) to learn how to be rejected and not take it personally. As well, a confident man can be very, very appealing to a lot of women. Maybe they assume that a guy has a lot of good stuff going for him to be overweight yet still be confident.

So, my advice is try not to be afraid, Go after the women you find you desire and if it doesn't work out, try somebody else. All it takes is for one or two women to really click with you to make you realize that you have a lot of good qualities even if your physique is not one of them.

I am waiting for the replies where guys will be giving you weight loss advice. Believe me the confidence you get from that is less than the confidence you get when you have had positive experiences/feedback from the ladies you date.
 

james t kirk

Well-known member
Aug 17, 2001
23,932
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Maybe fat guys should consider fat women.

There are lots of fat women who are nice girls looking for love out there. (Of course there are lots of ironies out there - fat people of either sex who refuse to date fat people because the don't find them attractive. )
 
Dec 12, 2017
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I'm a big guy and have been most of my life - but it never stopped me or held me back. Why? Well, when comparing myself to my competition (my male peers), while they may have been in better shape, they lacked a lot of other things women seem to value. Caring, intelligence, understanding, patience, being able to listen to listen and not just reply, the ability to carry on a conversation, the ability to make her laugh, and so on. So while I knew they had better bodies than me, I felt my mentality was above theirs - to this day I am among the most successful and accomplished of all my friends, both academically, financially, and relationship wise.

You are attracted to a person's looks, but you fall in love with the person, jmho.
 

Keebler Elf

The Original Elf
Aug 31, 2001
14,572
203
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This thread completely misses the point. Do you have money, power, respect, confidence? If you have any of those things, looks are secondary. I've known plenty of hot chicks who have confessed they don't care as much about looks as they do about those other things. Looks are a bonus, but being a powerful male is all it takes.

And confidence is a biggie. If you don't carry yourself with confidence, everything else is harder as you'll only attract females who are looking to dom you. A woman who wants a "nice guy" is a woman who is looking to dom in the relationship. Most women want a man who will "take care of them" in every sense of the word. There's nothing worse to a female than a sobbing, soft, anxious male--it reeks of weakness and their biological response to that is you'd make a poor mate.

Despite what the media tells you, it's still a man's world. Act that way and you'll attract the good looking females.
 

Caspertheghost

Well-known member
Jan 27, 2005
1,350
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Men need only ONE of the following to do well with women: Money/power, looks/body or charm/smarts/personality. I am assuming confidence goes with any or all three categories. If you have more than one of these, you’re really golden.

We can probably all think of examples of men we know who have only one of these and they date anyone they want. Guys with partial scores in each can also do very well. I know overweight friends who have dated and fucked the hottest of models.

Women on the other hand, need one of: looks or smarts/personality to attract a mate. Money and power do not enter the equation, generally.
 
Nov 2, 2017
57
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Men need only ONE of the following to do well with women: Money/power, looks/body or charm/smarts/personality. I am assuming confidence goes with any or all three categories. If you have more than one of these, you’re really golden.
I agree with this generally, you can get some women by doing well in any of the above 3 categories.

Its about quality though. To get higher QUALITY women you typically need to either do well in 2+ of these categories, or do well in one but average in the other 2.

Looking at it numerically (which is sort of dumb but bear with me):
Say OP is (hypothetically)
9/10 personality
6.5/10 money/power
2/10 looks

Thats probably enough to get some ok women. BUT looks is one of the most changeable if you are overweight. Say OP lost SOME weight and improved his looks to 5-6/10. He goes from one great, one pretty good, and one poor category; to 1 great and 2 pretty good categories? That is a huge improvement.

I guess my point is that you can get women now, but if you lost weight the improvement in quality would be quite significant.
 

franci

Well-known member
Aug 15, 2013
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Be clean, dress well, be polite. Unless you are on the plus side of 300 and 5'5" you should be fine in Toronto or anywhere else.
 

Mr Deeds

Muff Diver Extraordinaire
Mar 10, 2013
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It doesn't matter what you look like if you have money most women will love you. Ive seen some incredible looking women on the arm of some really ugly fat little trolls and the only reason is they're rich.
 

ravencroft

Eternally pseudo-retired
Jul 2, 2005
680
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It’s really a matter of “not expecting more than what you bring to the table”: if you’re fat, you shouldn’t EXPECT to get someone that isn’t; same goes for wealth/debt, education, etc. People are pair-bonding to make BETTER / stronger alliances, not weaker ones. Yes “Love” is something that is important, but that weighting goes out the window pretty quickly if you can’t pay the bills or look like shit every morning.

Dating while fat is all a matter of demographics, and people need to understand the market(s) they’re based in: Toronto is a metropolis with an incredible density of population, wealth, and education. People’s dating expectations are directly proportional to the quantity of their options: if you live in a small town and you’re not an alcoholic or wife-beater, you’re basically already a good catch and the small-town women are clamoring to tie you down. However, in a city like Toronto the bar gets raised higher because there are plenty (i.e. tens/hundreds of thousands) of “nice” guys that are also good-looking, well-educated, and well-paid. Heck I was making 6-figures by age 27, university-educated and quick-witted, have a diverse range of talents, a smooth deep voice, am in amazing shape and easily rate an 8+/10 appearance-wise and even I couldn’t pull down the 9/10 or 10/10 hotties. I got women exactly in my league (8’s), or those in lower ones with far less effort.

I was a thin kid, then a fat sullen teen and couldn’t get a date to save my life. Come college I figured I had no right to expect people to look past my flab if I wasn’t willing to work on it, and if I wanted a good-looking gal I had best be good-looking myself. Two grueling years later, the body transformation was complete and I started to reap the benefits. If people want results, get in shape – believe me, it certainly doesn’t hurt your dating prospects. Women are still more accepting of physical faults than men (I think psychologically they’re hoping you’ll return the favor as time grinds them down quicker), but gender expectations/attitudes are changing and the bigger the town, the harsher to competition for a date/mate.

Good luck to everyone in their search!
 

jackal2006

Member
Oct 10, 2006
243
3
18
Some interesting replies. Thank you all. I'll clarify and give a few more details about me and my experience and what I see for people like me (guys on the bigger side of things).

I'm in my late 30s. When I was younger I'd say up until my very early 20s I was in good shape and attracted women without trying. Then I started gaining weight and became invisible here in Toronto. I moved abroad and even in my bigger shape I was able to meet women, and no this is not some poor developing nation but the USA. I found that American women I met were not so hung up on weight and looks like women here are. As I came home due to family issues I had to help with I have found it has been a very hard to for a very long time here. Ive tried many things like speed dating, meetup groups and online dating. Online dating by far has been the worst experience of all. One of the other posters mentioned that you have to be a decent and polite human being with good values. I find I have all that plus I have the school degrees, speak more than two languages but more importantly I am curious about the world and always learning for fun. I have a good job but I am not rich and I don't flaunt my money this has never been me. I'd rather enjoy my money doing activities or taking a course to enrich me. Also, I have lost the weight and I find that it helped a little bit but not much. I especially find that white women civilians are the least forgiving followed by those that grew up here and absorbed the mentality. I have female friends that tell me to lose the weight to make meeting more women. While this may be true what happens if I lose the weight and meet someone but then gain it back will they leave me straight away? Finally the other thing to consider is I am not white Anglo Saxon so this prob makes it harder here perhaps as women can be a bit racist and not give you a chance. For the immediate time frame I am stuck in Toronto taking care of family but sometimes I wish I could pick and go because staying here with the mentality of women it seems I'll never find companionship. I won't even say love. The other guys that have done well weight notwithstanding I wish I could unlock the secrets you guys have. Thank you
 

IRIS

Supporting Member
Feb 18, 2010
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It doesn't matter what you look like if you have money most women will love you. Ive seen some incredible looking women on the arm of some really ugly fat little trolls and the only reason is they're rich.
We talking about relationships not gold diggers.
Otherwise just because you are a fat guy don't worry. ( Sure not the "My 600lb life" type of guy who can't move) but If you funny , energetic , make the girls think, laugh , you will be ok.
 

franci

Well-known member
Aug 15, 2013
1,858
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It doesn't matter what you look like if you have money most women will love you. Ive seen some incredible looking women on the arm of some really ugly fat little trolls and the only reason is they're rich.
 

frankcastle

Well-known member
Feb 4, 2003
17,886
236
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A few thoughts

1) IF you know you are fat then do something about it. Don't worry about BMI or numbers but eat right and exercise till you like what you see in the mirror.

2) IF you are fat then realize that your success rate is going to be lower. So that means you have to take more chances and be okay with the rejections along the way.

3) As others pointed out do you have confidence, a good job, wealth, power? If not are there ways to improve that?

4) Are your expectations realistic? If you keep trying to ask out 10s your rate of success is going to be low. But if that's what you want then keep trying and realize it might not happen.

I say work on points 1 and 3. Worst case scenario you will be healthier and happier even if you stay single.
 

sempel

Banned
Feb 23, 2017
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OP, what are you looking for? If it's a meaningful relationship, then I'm sure there's plenty of women of all shapes/sizes/varieties that will connect with you for some reason or another. Yes if you are born with superstar looks, if you are rich/powerful, or you naturally have some heavy charm that gets women swooning, there will be some women who line up for you. But if you are just a regular guy who's overweight, like anything you will have to put in some effort in order to find someone that clicks with you.

As some have eluded, are you finding it difficult because nobody seems interested or are you limiting your search parameters to young, hot model-types? If you are more open-minded and don't act superficial which you feel is the issue with the opposite sex, chances are you will find someone. Doesn't mean a smoking hottie won't go for you, that's always a possibility. But don't restrict yourself.
 

frankcastle

Well-known member
Feb 4, 2003
17,886
236
63
Some interesting replies. Thank you all. I'll clarify and give a few more details about me and my experience and what I see for people like me (guys on the bigger side of things).

I'm in my late 30s. When I was younger I'd say up until my very early 20s I was in good shape and attracted women without trying. Then I started gaining weight and became invisible here in Toronto. I moved abroad and even in my bigger shape I was able to meet women, and no this is not some poor developing nation but the USA. I found that American women I met were not so hung up on weight and looks like women here are. As I came home due to family issues I had to help with I have found it has been a very hard to for a very long time here. Ive tried many things like speed dating, meetup groups and online dating. Online dating by far has been the worst experience of all. One of the other posters mentioned that you have to be a decent and polite human being with good values. I find I have all that plus I have the school degrees, speak more than two languages but more importantly I am curious about the world and always learning for fun. I have a good job but I am not rich and I don't flaunt my money this has never been me. I'd rather enjoy my money doing activities or taking a course to enrich me. Also, I have lost the weight and I find that it helped a little bit but not much. I especially find that white women civilians are the least forgiving followed by those that grew up here and absorbed the mentality. I have female friends that tell me to lose the weight to make meeting more women. While this may be true what happens if I lose the weight and meet someone but then gain it back will they leave me straight away? Finally the other thing to consider is I am not white Anglo Saxon so this prob makes it harder here perhaps as women can be a bit racist and not give you a chance. For the immediate time frame I am stuck in Toronto taking care of family but sometimes I wish I could pick and go because staying here with the mentality of women it seems I'll never find companionship. I won't even say love. The other guys that have done well weight notwithstanding I wish I could unlock the secrets you guys have. Thank you
If you like learning things I say you take a free one week trial at a MMA gym. Great work outs and at the very least you will feel good about yourself.

Inter racial dating does impact your success but Toronto is a pretty multicultural city so your chances are probably decent. I've dated exclusively inter racially.

The other way to look at it is this..... be patient. Most of the guys I know who are married with kids are not happy. I don't mean they are cheating on their wives and hating their kids but longing for the freedoms of being single. So maybe the way to look at it is enjoy what you have as you will likely miss it later on.
 

frankcastle

Well-known member
Feb 4, 2003
17,886
236
63
Some interesting replies. Thank you all. I'll clarify and give a few more details about me and my experience and what I see for people like me (guys on the bigger side of things).

I'm in my late 30s. When I was younger I'd say up until my very early 20s I was in good shape and attracted women without trying. Then I started gaining weight and became invisible here in Toronto. I moved abroad and even in my bigger shape I was able to meet women, and no this is not some poor developing nation but the USA. I found that American women I met were not so hung up on weight and looks like women here are. As I came home due to family issues I had to help with I have found it has been a very hard to for a very long time here. Ive tried many things like speed dating, meetup groups and online dating. Online dating by far has been the worst experience of all. One of the other posters mentioned that you have to be a decent and polite human being with good values. I find I have all that plus I have the school degrees, speak more than two languages but more importantly I am curious about the world and always learning for fun. I have a good job but I am not rich and I don't flaunt my money this has never been me. I'd rather enjoy my money doing activities or taking a course to enrich me. Also, I have lost the weight and I find that it helped a little bit but not much. I especially find that white women civilians are the least forgiving followed by those that grew up here and absorbed the mentality. I have female friends that tell me to lose the weight to make meeting more women. While this may be true what happens if I lose the weight and meet someone but then gain it back will they leave me straight away? Finally the other thing to consider is I am not white Anglo Saxon so this prob makes it harder here perhaps as women can be a bit racist and not give you a chance. For the immediate time frame I am stuck in Toronto taking care of family but sometimes I wish I could pick and go because staying here with the mentality of women it seems I'll never find companionship. I won't even say love. The other guys that have done well weight notwithstanding I wish I could unlock the secrets you guys have. Thank you
If you are in your late 30s you should be looking at women in their 30s. Look for people who have their shit together. Sure that hottie who just got out of university and wants to backpack around the world and do shots all night is looking for something completely different.
 

sempel

Banned
Feb 23, 2017
3,649
25
0
Some interesting replies. Thank you all. I'll clarify and give a few more details about me and my experience and what I see for people like me (guys on the bigger side of things).

I'm in my late 30s. When I was younger I'd say up until my very early 20s I was in good shape and attracted women without trying. Then I started gaining weight and became invisible here in Toronto. I moved abroad and even in my bigger shape I was able to meet women, and no this is not some poor developing nation but the USA. I found that American women I met were not so hung up on weight and looks like women here are. As I came home due to family issues I had to help with I have found it has been a very hard to for a very long time here. Ive tried many things like speed dating, meetup groups and online dating. Online dating by far has been the worst experience of all. One of the other posters mentioned that you have to be a decent and polite human being with good values. I find I have all that plus I have the school degrees, speak more than two languages but more importantly I am curious about the world and always learning for fun. I have a good job but I am not rich and I don't flaunt my money this has never been me. I'd rather enjoy my money doing activities or taking a course to enrich me. Also, I have lost the weight and I find that it helped a little bit but not much. I especially find that white women civilians are the least forgiving followed by those that grew up here and absorbed the mentality. I have female friends that tell me to lose the weight to make meeting more women. While this may be true what happens if I lose the weight and meet someone but then gain it back will they leave me straight away? Finally the other thing to consider is I am not white Anglo Saxon so this prob makes it harder here perhaps as women can be a bit racist and not give you a chance. For the immediate time frame I am stuck in Toronto taking care of family but sometimes I wish I could pick and go because staying here with the mentality of women it seems I'll never find companionship. I won't even say love. The other guys that have done well weight notwithstanding I wish I could unlock the secrets you guys have. Thank you
Simply put, if you settle for someone who is only interested in you because of your looks/weight, the relationship is doomed to fail if your look changes (reverts). So you either have to commit to a lifestyle that keeps the weight off or make sure the person you settle down with values you for you.

Yes, gaining weight is 10X easier than losing it (I know from experience). But I think one of the keys is effort. If you are fat because you are lazy, inactive, and eat garbage, I think it's fair if someone decides to cut and run. OTOH, if you are active and trying to be healthy, that goes a long way. Again, no guarantees but higher probability of a relationship lasting.
 

wazup

Well-known member
Jun 12, 2010
4,280
581
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How many teenage girls or university students have pictures of fat dudes on their walls? I find fat repulsive. I would rather live a miserable lonely life than be married to a fat person and I expect women are the same for the most part, they just can't say it.

How many pop singers are fat? She may be married to a fat dude but she's salivating over some in shape dude when you're not around, or even when you are. Women are just as shallow as men with appearance.

You need to get off your lard ass and do something about it.
 

sempel

Banned
Feb 23, 2017
3,649
25
0
How many teenage girls or university students have pictures of fat dudes on their walls? I find fat repulsive. I would rather live a miserable lonely life than be married to a fat person and I expect women are the same for the most part, they just can't say it.

How many pop singers are fat?
You are just a product of today. Look at all the nude portraits from 150 years ago. All the women are obese and that was considered beautiful. You are entitled to your opinion but don't speak for everybody.

Yes, many celebs/singers are in great shape but that's because
(1) they areselling their image as part of their brand
(2) many singers dance which keeps them in shape
(3) If you have the type of money they have you can spend the time and effort to train.

I think overweight people should try to lose weight as much as possible, not because of looks but because of health.
 
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