What do men do after an orgasm?
1% Do it for a second time.
1% Go get something to eat.
1% Fall asleep.
97% Clear browser history.
1% Do it for a second time.
1% Go get something to eat.
1% Fall asleep.
97% Clear browser history.
joke of the day
- Thread starter Ben Hogan
- Start date
A college professor was asked by a student to define the word 'dilemma'.
The professor thought a bit and then said to the students that the best way to define the word dilemma is to give an example of one. He said to the males in the class 'Imagine that you are lying on your back in bed and lying to your left is a gorgeous hot girl. Lying to your right is a gay man. Which one would you turn your back on?'
The professor thought a bit and then said to the students that the best way to define the word dilemma is to give an example of one. He said to the males in the class 'Imagine that you are lying on your back in bed and lying to your left is a gorgeous hot girl. Lying to your right is a gay man. Which one would you turn your back on?'
This story actually happened to a buddy of mine, who is semi autistic. Basically the topic of a threesome came up with his girlfriend, she avoided it and told him not to bring up the topic again. A couple days later, she randomly asked him which of her friends who he choose to have a threesome with. I found him in front of my house as he told me he didn't know she had to be part of the threesome..
Complete and finished
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words. In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Here is his answer
The Question:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between the two.
Samsundar's Answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words. In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Here is his answer
The Question:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between the two.
Samsundar's Answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word,
shot his wife.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word,
shot his wife.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side,
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we
got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your
mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large...I told her, of course they're too big.
I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I
always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said,
So he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill.
'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we
got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your
mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large...I told her, of course they're too big.
I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I
always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said,
So he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill.
'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'
97% of men don't know how to clear one's browser history accurately to begin with.
Gyaos.
He spent the first day following his divorce packing his belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room
table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a
pound of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten prawn shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When his ex-wife returned with her new partner, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rats and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off
rat poison gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked !!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find
a buyer for their stinking house. Word got out and eventually even the local
estate agents refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
The ex-husband called and asked her how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and
asked if they would be willing to reduce their divorce settlement in
exchange for him getting the house.
Knowing he had no idea how bad the smell was, they agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to
sign the papers that very day.
He agreed and within the hour his solicitors delivered the paperwork.
A week later the ex-wife and her partner stood smiling as they watched the house removals
company pack everything to take to their new home.
And just to spite her ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room
table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a
pound of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten prawn shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When his ex-wife returned with her new partner, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rats and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off
rat poison gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked !!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find
a buyer for their stinking house. Word got out and eventually even the local
estate agents refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
The ex-husband called and asked her how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and
asked if they would be willing to reduce their divorce settlement in
exchange for him getting the house.
Knowing he had no idea how bad the smell was, they agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to
sign the papers that very day.
He agreed and within the hour his solicitors delivered the paperwork.
A week later the ex-wife and her partner stood smiling as they watched the house removals
company pack everything to take to their new home.
And just to spite her ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
A teenaged boy came home from school and sees his Dad sitting in his favorite chair reading a magazine. The boy looked like he had something on his mind so the Dad says "whats on your mind son.To that the boy says "Dad whats the difference between a pussy and a c@#t " The Dad was a little taken a back by the question and thought for a moment, he then picked up the magazine which happened to be a copy of playboy an turned to the center fold and showed the boy and said "son thats a pussy"and boy nodded approvingly.Then the Dad said had me that picture of your mother on the table. Then boy complied The father held up the picture and said "thats a C@#t
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
“’Better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
“’Better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
A Scotsman visits a bank manager, and asks for a $10 loan. The bank manager says that the annual interest rate will be 10%, and the Scotman says that's fine. The bank manager jokingly asks if the Scotsman has any collateral, and he opens his briefcase and hands the bank manager $1 million worth of stocks and bonds. The bank manager says "Why are you taking out a loan, when you have so much liquid equity? You're not a very good businessman, McRory". The Scotsman says "To hell I'm not. Where else can I rent a safety deposit box for a dollar a year?".
Every day at 5 pm a Doctor would walk into Dick's Bar and Grill have 1 almond Daquiri and then go home.
One day Dick looks at his watch and says "5 to 5" better get the Docs drink ready.
He is fixing it when he realizes he is out of almonds so puts in hickory nut instead.
At 5 pm on the dot the Doc walks in sits down and takes a sip.
He looks at Dick and says:
"Is this an almond daquiri Dick?"
"No" says Dick. "It's a hickory daquiri Doc"
One day Dick looks at his watch and says "5 to 5" better get the Docs drink ready.
He is fixing it when he realizes he is out of almonds so puts in hickory nut instead.
At 5 pm on the dot the Doc walks in sits down and takes a sip.
He looks at Dick and says:
"Is this an almond daquiri Dick?"
"No" says Dick. "It's a hickory daquiri Doc"
