I thought this article from today's Toronto Sun was about 'dead on' and pretty damn funny to boot.
jwm
Thu, March 3, 2005
Day in life of Harper
GARY DUNFORD TELLS TALE OF THE INVISIBLE MAN
By GARY DUNFORD
THE SHADOW: And now, new entries from superhero Stephen Harper's diary. Years ago in Tibet, the Conservative leader learned the power to cloud men's minds so voters can't see him. It's not easy to be invisible as the government promises, struts and dithers ... 6.30 a.m. ... Up at dawn. Papers claim Bush won't return the PM's phone calls. Should I demand Canada join the missile shield? Or one-up Dithers and tell the Americans to go to hell --only louder? Gee. Did the toaster just "ding"? My Pop-Tarts are ready.
7.15 a.m. ... Hurry to gym for invisible workout. Light weights, lotsa reps. Pity no one sees how much effort I put into my squats. Hey, check that guy. You lookin' at me, bro? I've got Gaydar. Most Tories do. Move to the treadmill. Much better. Run hard, go nowhere. Just like life.
8.10 a.m. ... Somebody shows me a goofy survey -- "Is Christianity under attack" -- Cheryl Gallant has just mailed her constituents. Does this make the party look more nuts than we actually are? Narrow, obsessed? Should I say something to her? Naw, talkin' crazy now.
9.25 a.m. ... Walk to office. Think. How can I be so smiley about a federal budget that grabs $14 billion off voters the government doesn't even need? Does this make me an enabler ratfink? Discuss.
11.30 a.m. ... Slip in and out of office, un-noticed. Many phone messages. What's my take on national daycare? Vital necessity or costly baby dump? Thinking, thinking. Hit Erase. Dodge the guy from CTV.
1.30 p.m. ... Brown-bag it. Tomato and tuna. Brainstorm: What if I agree with Dalton McGuinty that, yeah, Ontario doesn't get its fair share of fed cash? Would the same voters who bought McGuinty buy me? Goose party's Ontario numbers?
2 p.m. ... Question period. Waved hand like Dr. Phil. Everybody behind me thumped. Forget what I asked. Oh yeah, something about AdScam. Was I visible or invisible? Sometimes my mojo screws up. Thank God for Gomery. Does the car need an oil change? Check.
3 p.m. ... Belinda Stronach left a note that the trade delegation to Washington didn't go as well as we hoped. No traction. Apparently politicians there are fried about something. Who knew? What's my position on softwood lumber? NAFTA? NORAD? Note to self: Find index card. Memorize. Time for Judge Judy. She's so feisty.
4.30 p.m. ... Crazed voter e-mails how she's expected to pay taxes when the new budget I love so much could double fed spending by 2010. Where's a voice for moderation, realism, common sense? Damned if I know. It's that damn Dithers. Country cries out for leadership. If only we had one.
6.15 p.m. ... Slipped into nearby Tim Hortons and palmed some glazed donuts. Love bein' invisible. What time is The Amazing Race on? Went back to office. Easier to work when staff's gone home.
8.10 p.m. ... Work on ad push in immigrant group newspapers. Same-sex marriage is so wrong. Would you want your son to marry a guy? Major vote bonanza. Fortunately, no new Canadians are gay. Nagging thought: Maybe same sex only important as diversion from Tory weakness on all other issues. Naw. Ate two PowerBars. Flexed.
10.15 p.m. ... Watched repeat telecast of question period on C-PAC. I wasn't there. Just an empty seat! My Cloak of Invisibility is acting up! Harder than ever to turn off. Called Tibet guru tech support. Left message. Can you believe The Bachelorette didn't choose anybody? Yeesh.
Midnight ... Had recurring nightmare where I actually become Paul Martin. Endorse his budget, high-five defence spending, piss away my energies shootin' down leadership challenge. Call doc. Book proctologist. Impotent.
jwm
Thu, March 3, 2005
Day in life of Harper
GARY DUNFORD TELLS TALE OF THE INVISIBLE MAN
By GARY DUNFORD
THE SHADOW: And now, new entries from superhero Stephen Harper's diary. Years ago in Tibet, the Conservative leader learned the power to cloud men's minds so voters can't see him. It's not easy to be invisible as the government promises, struts and dithers ... 6.30 a.m. ... Up at dawn. Papers claim Bush won't return the PM's phone calls. Should I demand Canada join the missile shield? Or one-up Dithers and tell the Americans to go to hell --only louder? Gee. Did the toaster just "ding"? My Pop-Tarts are ready.
7.15 a.m. ... Hurry to gym for invisible workout. Light weights, lotsa reps. Pity no one sees how much effort I put into my squats. Hey, check that guy. You lookin' at me, bro? I've got Gaydar. Most Tories do. Move to the treadmill. Much better. Run hard, go nowhere. Just like life.
8.10 a.m. ... Somebody shows me a goofy survey -- "Is Christianity under attack" -- Cheryl Gallant has just mailed her constituents. Does this make the party look more nuts than we actually are? Narrow, obsessed? Should I say something to her? Naw, talkin' crazy now.
9.25 a.m. ... Walk to office. Think. How can I be so smiley about a federal budget that grabs $14 billion off voters the government doesn't even need? Does this make me an enabler ratfink? Discuss.
11.30 a.m. ... Slip in and out of office, un-noticed. Many phone messages. What's my take on national daycare? Vital necessity or costly baby dump? Thinking, thinking. Hit Erase. Dodge the guy from CTV.
1.30 p.m. ... Brown-bag it. Tomato and tuna. Brainstorm: What if I agree with Dalton McGuinty that, yeah, Ontario doesn't get its fair share of fed cash? Would the same voters who bought McGuinty buy me? Goose party's Ontario numbers?
2 p.m. ... Question period. Waved hand like Dr. Phil. Everybody behind me thumped. Forget what I asked. Oh yeah, something about AdScam. Was I visible or invisible? Sometimes my mojo screws up. Thank God for Gomery. Does the car need an oil change? Check.
3 p.m. ... Belinda Stronach left a note that the trade delegation to Washington didn't go as well as we hoped. No traction. Apparently politicians there are fried about something. Who knew? What's my position on softwood lumber? NAFTA? NORAD? Note to self: Find index card. Memorize. Time for Judge Judy. She's so feisty.
4.30 p.m. ... Crazed voter e-mails how she's expected to pay taxes when the new budget I love so much could double fed spending by 2010. Where's a voice for moderation, realism, common sense? Damned if I know. It's that damn Dithers. Country cries out for leadership. If only we had one.
6.15 p.m. ... Slipped into nearby Tim Hortons and palmed some glazed donuts. Love bein' invisible. What time is The Amazing Race on? Went back to office. Easier to work when staff's gone home.
8.10 p.m. ... Work on ad push in immigrant group newspapers. Same-sex marriage is so wrong. Would you want your son to marry a guy? Major vote bonanza. Fortunately, no new Canadians are gay. Nagging thought: Maybe same sex only important as diversion from Tory weakness on all other issues. Naw. Ate two PowerBars. Flexed.
10.15 p.m. ... Watched repeat telecast of question period on C-PAC. I wasn't there. Just an empty seat! My Cloak of Invisibility is acting up! Harder than ever to turn off. Called Tibet guru tech support. Left message. Can you believe The Bachelorette didn't choose anybody? Yeesh.
Midnight ... Had recurring nightmare where I actually become Paul Martin. Endorse his budget, high-five defence spending, piss away my energies shootin' down leadership challenge. Call doc. Book proctologist. Impotent.
