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Input from SPs & Clients - To tell or not...

BBW_Morgan

Banned
Sep 11, 2001
132
0
0
Toronto
www.independentescorts.ca
Since I think this is the weekend I might finally 'come out', profession wise, to my parents (mom had a bad accident, and I don't want there to be things unsaid between us), a recent email I received has been raising some questions for me.

I have a sort of 'ad hoc' advice column on my website, and I'd like input from SPs and clients on her questions. If it's OK, I'd like to use snippets of your responses to address her questions. I'll do so anonymously, of course, and only with permission.

At any rate, here's the email. What would *you* tell her to do? I've snipped bits for brevity and privacy.

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Dear Morgan:

.. here is a situation for you. It's maybe something you've experienced so I thought you might have some ideas about it.

I'm an escort too just to let you know. I work for (an agency) because I'm in school and I like just being able to call up and book on and do some work. I wouldn't be able to do all the work of being an independent and I really like my agency.... So I only want to do this until graduation and then move on with my life.

My problem is about boyfriends, now and later. What do I do about my job? Do I tell them? What if I do and then we break up and they tell everyone? Crappy stuff like that happens during break ups so it's a worry. And what if they suddenly think I'm some kind of slut? ... And if I don't tell them what do I say I do on weekends? Should I just stay single and play it safe?

And even after I am not working anymore, do I tell them that I was once an escort, or should I keep it secret? Isn't it bad to keep secrets from the person you are supposed to love, even if the secret might hurt them?

I've been sort of casually dating this guy I like, but I limit him to lunch and things like that. I like him but I can't go any further because all of this makes me lose sleep at night. It's not my job I'm worried about it's how people feel about me doing this job! Or should I just be "out and proud"?

Signed, Worried Working Girl

---

Morgan
 
A

Animal

If the guy is any kind of gentleman at all he would understand.
Especially after it is come and gone.If she does not tell him someone else will.At least if she tells him then she can prepare for it rather than it being a total surprise.

As long as it is worded properly ex:

Needed to put myself through school and as I was paying for it myself the opportunity arose and I have tried it.Money was good and I limit who, when and where I see a client.

Honesty is not always the best policy but it is a piece of mind.There would be no every day suspense of does he know or not.No uncomfirtable times if you ever happen to come across a client.No more endless sleepless nights.

Let the chips fall where they may.Love is a strange thing.
 

drlove

Ph.D. in Pussyology
Oct 14, 2001
4,709
52
48
The doctor is in
Morgan,

Very sorry to hear about your mom....hope her condition improves. In regard to your question, it depends.... Some ladies I know have boyfriends who know what they do, while other sp's choose to keep it a secret.

I believe it really comes down to what you feel comfortable in revealing. When dealing with boyfriends in particular, (especially after you have left the business) what really matters is that you are healthy, and that you are committed to the relationship. Details are completely unnecessary, unless you feel they are warranted.

Just my 2 cents....
 

Damondean

Senior Member
Mar 23, 2002
1,953
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Toronto
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Don't tell

Your mother does not n e e e d to know. You're a grownup. She may be an unusually understanding person but she may be hurt -- feeling she didn't bring up "right" or whatever. Definitely never tell any "straight" boyfriends. Once men are into a relationship, they won't want you doint his (the husbands of Lyla and Barrie Eve notwithstanding). Many men, if they find out what you used to do, will no longer treat you with respect. I know a case like that.
 

Jenn_angel

Banned
Jan 27, 2002
903
0
0
In Rome with the Pope
Hey Morgan...

My mom is cool with it... I can share if you need some mom time!

I told my mother the second time arround and have told all of the men I have dated. I think that if he really wants to be with me he deserves to know.

I personally am one of the most "Outed" SP's I know... So I can not give advice on the subject, I can only say that I think you are very brave for admiting to that part of your life. It will get better... I have been there.
 

Auron

Ronin
Jan 9, 2002
40
0
0
Toronto
Keep it on the down low...

There is no universal rule to always do this always do that.. honesty's not always the best policy..

It's wise to know when to speak and when to stay silent. I can't see any reason to want to let your family know. Knowing will only bring them pain... if I found that out about my daughter was an SP (mind you I don't have any kids yet) I'd be crushed. It would slowly poison me and I question if I would ever be the same after hearing she was a SP.

As for prospective beau's... that's more tricky. I would again be inclined to say that if you used discretion and are open to perhaps leaving the city you had worked in, there is no reason not to give yourself a 'fresh start'. The quality of men you will meet that will be ok with the fact you were a former SP will drop... and likely only one of three things will happen...
1. He'll dump you (I'm ashamed to admit I am this type of guy)..
2. He'll continue to be with you feeling horribly hurt... slowly poisoning your relationship until it dies a slow, painful death..
3. He'll continue to date you and not care (bells should go off here...)

With that said, do you really want to live with that black cloud over you... always afraid it will come out one day? Never knowing true peace.. perhaps that peace of mind is worth it... I'd still have to say lie though. Better to deny it vehemently if it should come up.

I just say it how I see it.
 

BBW_Morgan

Banned
Sep 11, 2001
132
0
0
Toronto
www.independentescorts.ca
Thanks, Guys :)

Thanks to all who posted and PM'd.

My mom is recovering slowly, and I've not yet had the dreaded talk with her. Actually, she pretty much knows, but we've been operating under the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy that has been *so* successful for the US military... ;)

Interesting responses. I asked for input because I personally am torn on this issue. The consensus from the SPs I chatted with was similar to what someone posted early on - 'normals' will never get it.

Another comment I received was that a lot of girls would be leary of a man who *did not* have issues with their career, fearing that he would stay with them simply for their money. As one put it, "I couldn't respect a man who was OK with me doing this for a living".

Some said that for casual dates, it's none of their business, and that I agree with. It's when things begin to become serious that I think you need to be willing to discuss your choice of career.

Oddly enough, several SPs who responded to this question on a Sexworkers mailing list stated that they only date (former?)clients, because a client at least can understand both sides of the issue. Several SPs commented favorably on this idea, as did a few strippers.

Well, I guess I'd better try to cobble this all into a coherent answer...

Morgan
 

Auron

Ronin
Jan 9, 2002
40
0
0
Toronto
Re: Re: Re: Keep it on the down low...

I in no way intend this to be a flame... but I'd be curious to hear this one too ... good to see Kant has been re-incarnated and calls himself Ripped..
:D
 

Auron

Ronin
Jan 9, 2002
40
0
0
Toronto
That's good.. but

Well argued Ripped.. but it answers a question with a question..

No doubt, once I turn the situation upon my own breast, I would want someone I was dealing with to make this information known. I take it from your answer you imply this is the 'right' thing to do..

But the world is not so black and white. It's a catch-22 where if they tell someone and it doesn't break up the relationship... that becomes suspicious in itself.

I am also a realist... and not bound to what a religious/spiritual/intellectual opinion says is 'just'. If I turn the question around, how many of us tell our significant others (present or intending to in the future) that we have spent time with an escort/mpa? Damn near none, because in the real world we'd be shunned nearly as much as an SP herself would. So we make this same choice daily when we omit telling our significant other the truth (omission is a form of lying).

Whats good for society is not good for the individual in this case. My opinion still stands that girls who have a genuine intention and the will to start fresh deserve that chance. If it means they have to take it, then do it. Don't get tangled up in ethical paradigms, realize we don't live in a world that is perfect, so application of rules made for a perfect world are not always valid. If it were perfect, men would be able to see past it, and see a woman for who she is now. Unfortunatly we can't.

Of course you are fully entitled to your opinion.. I just happen to disagree (in this context at least).

Cheers,
 

Jenn_angel

Banned
Jan 27, 2002
903
0
0
In Rome with the Pope
Oh one more point to make on this...

I do not and have not ever asked anyone in my personal life to like what I do!

I simply ask them to accept my choices and decisions as my own and realise that it is a choice I freely made. When people realise this is the case they tend to learn that I will continue participate in activities which I choose to... For as long as I want... On the condition that it is not adversely affecting the people I care about.

My family would not ask me to quit... They know I don't respond well to that type of issue and that I make changes in my own time... As far as men go... Well quite frankly I am watching a few relationships where the men believe the women have quit... Or they at least want them to quit.

I have a question for you. If I was to get involved with a man who was away for extended periods of time because of work... Would it be alright if I asked him to quit? If I was invloved with someone who was in a profession where they regularly came into situations that I felt were unsafe (ex. Combat situations, or even a test pilot) would I be justified in asking them to no longer do the job that they loved... NO. I would have solid ground to converse with them on the subject... But it is not my choice and if I really wanted to be with that person I would learn to accept that this was also a part of who I fell in love with.

As far as my friends... Though some may not understand... My true friends are always there to lean on when I need them and be happy for me when I am happy with who I am and what I am doing.

I hope that people can understand that it took a lot of time and thought to come up with this way of thinking, especially due to the fact that I constantly run into people who don't understand why I do what I do. I just tell them... I am not the type of person to stay in a situation where I am not happy.

Hope you all have a wonderful day... And one more thing... I realise there are times when I am too honest... But the truth shall set you free!
 

Alanis

New member
Feb 8, 2002
115
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0
Thank you, Ripped, for your answer.

I was also hoping for your own interpretation of the dilemma. Any individual thoughts, comments based on your own experience?

If I were (almost) morally immaculate individual, for instance, Mother Theresa, I would keep on nodding to your examples. As much as I would like to endorse the content of traditional wisdom in other areas of my life, when it comes to personal sphere, I am more leaning towards Auron position.

It would be unimaginable to let my parents know about my double life; however, bfs were always fully aware.

I guess you could perhaps also argue that not telling your significant others in your life about your exotic past actually saves them pain as much as it would have saved you if the tables were turned. In this way, you follow the variation on the major theme of the universal principles, e.g. Don't grace me with "the truth", I don't need to discover.
 
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bobqc

New member
Dec 27, 2001
19
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58
Quebec
I do date a SP that a know for many years, she as been out of the market, for at 7 years now, she is a new career, and does very well in it, she is from Vancouver.

But my first contact with that lady was in Calgary about 10 years ago, we did became good friends, and always stayed in contact for all those years, few years ago, she did invite me to the restaurant, and told me that she would stop offering her service, and that she was moving to Vancouver, to start a new life, she was 28 and was dying to have a husband and children, at this point she still single, no children, and still have much problem to deal with her past.

It is not always the people around you, that sometime have problem with your past, often they just have to look at them self.
 
J

josie

Jenns comment

Thanks for speaking my mind,Jenn. We share the same outlook and life thoughts it seems.....good for us!!!
......xo
 

Alanis

New member
Feb 8, 2002
115
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0
One more hypothetical scenario...

Ripped said:
If I were in a relationship, I wouldn't end it if the girl told me she were an escort. I, probably, would if she lied to me.
Hi Ripped:

How about if you met a wonderful woman in your life that was an ex-escort, but you would have never guessed her previous engagements. There was no discussion about her past, you never even thought of inquiring, neither did she volunteer to reveal the secret. According to your position: no asking=no tell=no lie. You find out everything somehow accidentally. So do other important people around you. What do you do? Do you break up or let it slide.

Another situation: a wonderful woman of your life finds out accidentally and somehow miraculously about your (I don't mean you, per se, of course) exotic indulgements in the past. What do you do? Exit defeated or beg for her mercy. Assumption: yes, she is a great woman, but has been raised in a climate of some traditional values that she takes a strong pride in.
 
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gassman

Member
Jan 20, 2002
584
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16
choices and consequences

people make choices, some seem to be necessary but all infact are with our free will, we just have to be willing to live with the consequesnces...its that simple....not easy just simple.

Once the choices are made the consequences must be dealt with.
people who truly care about us and who are the type of people who likely will bring us true love, will not be judgemental but accept us for who we are and what chioces we have made.....
no judgements no expectations no dissapointments......

you have done what you felt you must.....all you can do is hope the ones you care about just accept it and you for the caring person you likely are......

you can't make anyone elses choices or opinions.....we all are responsible for our own....

stay well


gassman
 

BBW_Morgan

Banned
Sep 11, 2001
132
0
0
Toronto
www.independentescorts.ca
To everyone who responded to this thread - thanks for your input.

I've attempted to gather everyone's opinions into a coherent answer which reflects all of the various view points. Feel free to take a look on my site if you'd like to see how it turned out.

Morgan
 
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