Stang, that's funny.
LISA could never get her husband to do anything around the house. James would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated Lisa quite a bit.
One day, the toilet stopped up. When James got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl Man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When James got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, " What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, Lisa steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check it?" And again, she was met with a snarl, " What do I look like? The Maytag Repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, Lisa called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake, or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled, and says: "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
Another one:
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she's touched there.
So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so he finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants, says "I think she choked."
And if you are not totally bored yet:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT? What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at Neiman Marcus.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT? "
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile...You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out of her butt.